first day back at work, and back to work

 Jan 2, 2024

Work is such a funny thing. It's exhausting to do something all day that I don't care at all about. I used to really love coding and technology, but being relegated to support, and told partial information, really frustrates me. 

On top of this, I'm still responsible for doing all of the house chores, simply because they won't get done otherwise. I really am frustrated with not feeling peace in my home. I can't meditate or be calm because it's always a 50/50 split between cleaned by me, and made chaotic by bunny. I'm so disappointed by that. There's always something more important than my trivial feeling about comfort in my home. 

It really feels like neglect. I wonder how much I subject myself to that's totally unnecessary. If I want a clean home, shouldn't I live with a clean person? Doesn't that make the most sense? No matter how much I try to make this space comfortable for me, it doesn't matter what I feel. Always the dog's feelings, or thoughts about work, or someone else takes priority over the stability of our home. It really makes me sad to feel this way. I'm committing to changing this sadness this year. I'm not going to beat myself up for having needs, because my needs are normal and valid. Instead, I need to make sense of how to move forward in my life and enforce those needs and boundaries. And if someone is not going to cooperate or care, I have to choose not to engage with that. 

It's really disappointing to feel this way. I wake up every day and feel unfulfilled. I feel like I deserve so much more in love and partnership than just this minimum. This is a life I always promised myself I wouldn't live, yet here I am. I really hate it. 

It's just this morning on January 2nd, and I still feel the same way. No matter how I show my needs, it's just a pointless list to bunny. So am I gonna be disappointed this way forever? No. 

Either she changes, or I have to accept that this is not the right relationship for me. It's sad, but I'm really done being artistically stagnant because of this feeling. I'm completely over it.