an uncomfortable start

 Jan 1, 2024. 

Today is the first day that I begin a new journey towards self-discovery. I've spent 10 full years now, attending to the needs of my partners, and never really visiting who I am, and what I want. At times, I felt sure of these things, unaware of just how much confidence I had lost. Yet now, I realise that there is more that I can wish for and want. There is more to desire, more to hope for. 

I challenged myself a lot over the last year to really challenge my own insecurities. At the end though, I ended up suffocating myself by overdoing it. I hadn't known that part of challenging those insecurities meant addressing why I so badly needed to control every situation in my life. Why did it matter so much? Why do all these little things matter? 

But after going without these little needs being met for so long, I just accepted that they never will be. I spent the entire last year punishing myself for having needs, and uplifting someone else. For once, I won't question my needs or desires anymore. For once, I'll give in to my own asks, to travelling, to fitness, to leadership, to freedom, to a life I haven't even dreamed up fully yet. I don't want to know why I want things, or rather, I don't want to need to know to pursue it anymore. Instead, just go with your desires, look at that big hope in the sky, and choose it. Choose it. 

This year, I choose wonder and I choose stability and I choose myself.